The Every Day Battle
Originally published on I Should Be Folding Laundry
Before reading this, you need to know that in February of this year, Beth, at 20 weeks along in her pregnancy with twin boys, went to the doctor and found that the babies no longer had heartbeats. She shares with us her journey in grief and recovery every day on her blog, and below is a little taste.
my life has returned to “normal” I have found myself suppressing my
feelings and not sharing with anyone how I am really feeling. I think
I need to be brave, after all, I am a mother and wife, I’m supposed to
be brave, it’s what we do.
I put my make-up on each morning, I make my bed, I feed my kids, I
smile and try to laugh, but truthfully? I ache. My heart aches, my
body aches. I just can’t seem to figure out why this has happened.
It’s not that I think this type of thing should not have happened to
me, I just have a hard time believing it has happened to me.
I am so sad. But yet, I hide that sadness from others because I don’t
want to make others sad and I even find myself hiding the sadness from
me, somehow, because it never seems like a good time to be sad and it
never, ever seems like a good time to cry. There are places to go and
people to see and who wants to see someone crying? or someone who has
just cried their eyes out pleading for this to all be wrong, pleading
that maybe somehow, those babies are still alive in my belly, living
off of the orange juice and ice cream I loved to feed them.
On the surface I feel like I should be done crying, it’s been three
weeks, certainly I shouldn’t cry too much, certainly it’s time for more
laughter and more singing and just more pure happiness, but that’s not
how I truly feel inside. I want to cry and scream and sometimes, I
want to curl up in a ball on my bed and shut my door. But I don’t.
I just don’t know how to let myself properly grieve. I don’t know how to just be. Even if being is being sad, I’m tired of being sad, but I can’t help it.
Today, I let myself cry. I cried hard and I can’t seem to stop,
even now. Even though I had just applied my make-up and dropped Ariel
off at school and will have to leave soon to pick her up and I look
like crap, I needed this cry. I think I need to understand that maybe
it’s not so much bravery hiding my feelings and emotions, maybe I am
braver when I let myself really feel the emotions that I am feeling.
Unfortunately, understanding that is one battle, actually following that belief is another.
Editor’s Pick by Arianne at To Think Is To Create:
When I think of “overcoming adversity”, the first person I think of is
Beth. She writes raw, honest posts about what it’s like to have two of
your children taken from you, and she never sugar coats any of it. The
fact that she puts one foot in front of the other, each and every day,
is overcoming adversity in it’s purest form. She is hero to many.
Edited By Megan Jordan |
August 11th, 2008 |
Category: BN Channel Overcoming Adversity |
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