I Hate Your Politics

Politics Blog Nosh Magazine{Originally published at Whatever}

I hate your politics.

No, I don’t know what they are. And no, I probably don’t know who you are, either. Really, those two points are immaterial (no offense). As it turns out about, about 46% of you are liberal, 46% of you are conservative, and the rest of you just want your guns, drugs and brothels (here in the US, we call them folks “libertarians”).

Each of you carries baggage from your political affiliation, and all of that baggage has a punky smell to it, like one of your larger species of rodent crawled in and expired in your folded underwear. Listening to any of you yammer on about the geopolitical situation is enough to make one want to melt down one’s dental fillings with a beeswax candle and then jam an ice pick into the freshly-exposed nerve, just to have something else to think about. It’s not so much that politics brings out the worst in people than it is that the worst in people goes looking for something to do, and that usually ends up being politics. It’s either that or setting fires in trashcans.

In the spirit of fairness, and of completeness, let me go down the list and tell you what I hate about each major branch of political thinking.

Liberals: The stupidest and weakest members of the political triumvirate, they allowed conservatives to turn their name into a slur against them, exposing them as the political equivalent of the kid who lets the school bully pummel him with his own fists (Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself). Liberals champion the poor and the weak but do it in such condescendingly bureaucratic ways that the po’ illedumacated Cleti would rather eat their own shotguns than associate with the likes of them. Famously humorless and dour, probably because for a really good liberal, everything is political, and you just can’t joke about things like that.

Defensive and peevish even when they’re right. Under the impression that people in politics should play fair, which is probably why they get screwed as often as they do (nb: 2000 Presidential election). Feel guilty about the freedoms their political positions allow them, which is frankly idiotic. Liberals are politically able to have all sorts of freaky mammal sex but typically don’t; good liberal foreplay is a permission slip and three layers of impermeable barriers. The only vaguely liberal person we know of who seemed to enjoy sex in the last 30 years is Clinton, and look what he got out of it.

Fractious and have no sense of loyalty; will publicly tear out the intestines of those closest to them at the most politically inopportune times. The attention spans of poultry; easily distracted from large, useful goals by pointless minutiae. Not only can’t see the forest for the trees, can’t see the trees for the pine needles. Deserve every bad thing that happens to them because they just can’t get their act together. Too bad those they presume to stand for get royally screwed as well.

Conservatives: Self-hating moral relativists, unless you can convince me that an intellectual class that publicly praises family values but privately engages in sodomy, coke and trophy wives is more aptly described in some other way. Not every conservative is an old wealthy white man on his third wife, but nearly every conservative aspires to be so, which is a real waste of money, youth, race and women. Genuinely fear and hate those who are not “with” them — the sort of people who would rather shit on a freshly-baked cherry pie than share it with someone not of their own tribe.

Conservatives believe in a government by the oligarchy, for the oligarchy, which is why the conservative idea of an excellent leader is Ronald Reagan, i.e., genial, brain-damaged and amenable to manipulation by his more mentally composed underlings. Under the impression they own the copyright on Jesus and get testy when other political factions point out that technically Christ is in the public domain. Conservatives don’t actually bother to spend time with people who are not conservative, and thus become confused and irritable when people disagree with them; fundamentally can’t see how that’s even possible, which shows an almost charming intellectual naiveté. Less interested in explaining their point of view than nuking you and everything you stand for into blackened cinders before your evil worldview catches on like a virus. Conservatives have no volume control on their hate and yet were shocked as Hell when Rush Limbaugh went deaf.

Conservatives clueless enough to think that having Condi Rice and Andrew Sullivan on the team somehow counts as diversity. Pen their “thinkers” like veal in think tanks rather than let them interact with people who might oppose their views. Loathe women who are not willing to have their opinions as safely shellacked as their hair. Let their sons get caught with a dime bag and see how many are really for “zero-tolerance.” Let a swarthy day laborer impregnate their daughters and find out how many of them are really pro-life.

Libertarians: Never got over the fact they weren’t the illegitimate children of Robert Heinlein and Ayn Rand; currently punishing the rest of us for it. Unusually smug for a political philosophy that’s never gotten anyone elected for anything above the local water board. All for legalized drugs and prostitution but probably wouldn’t want their kids blowing strangers for crack; all for slashing taxes for nearly every social service but don’t seem to understand why most people aren’t at all keen to trade in even the minimal safety net the US provides for 55-gallon barrels of beans and rice, a crossbow and a first-aid kit in the basement. Blissfully clueless that Libertarianism is just great as long as it doesn’t actually involve real live humans.

Libertarians blog with a frequency that makes one wonder if they’re actually employed somewhere or if they have loved ones that miss them. Libertarian blogs even more snide than conservative blogs, if that’s possible. Socially slow — will assume other people actually want to talk about legalizing hemp and the benefits of a polyamorous ethos when all these other folks really want is to drink beer and play Grand Theft Auto 3. Libertarianism the official political system of science fiction authors, which explains why science fiction is in such a rut these days. Libertarians often polyamorous (and hope you are too) but also somewhat out of shape, which takes a lot of the fun out of it.

Easily offended; Libertarians most likely to respond to this column. The author will attempt to engage subtle wit but will actually come across as a geeky whiner (Conservatives, more schooled in the art of poisonous replies, may actually achieve wit; liberals will reply that they don’t find any of this humorous at all). Libertarians secretly worried that ultimately someone will figure out the whole of their political philosophy boils down to “Get Off My Property.” News flash: This is not really a big secret to the rest of us.

I’m guessing you thought I was way off on your political philosophy but right on the button about the other two. Just think about that for a while.

Editor’s note by Mr Lady at Whiskey In My Sippy Cup: I found this post, and this author, through my friend Stephen at Vodkapundit one day, and not only did it make me laugh and hard, it made me really think.  John is an accomplished writer and a sharp blogger and I’m thrilled to be able to feature him on Blog Nosh.  Read the original post here, follow John on Twitter here, and oh yes, he’s got his own Wikipedia page.  That’s just awesome.

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6 Comments to “I Hate Your Politics”

  1. Jennifer says:

    Bravo! Great skewering of the stereotypes all of us political bloggers tend to support. And no one wants to claim Andrew Sullivan in their ideology.

    -In the interest of full disclosure; I’m somewhere in the Conservative/Libertarian camp. I want you off my lawn, but you wouldn’t find any drug use and debauchery there. Do whatever you want on your property.

  2. Mr Lady
    Twitter:
    says:

    Goddamn it John, I love this every freaking time I read it. Thanks for letting us publish it!

  3. Kara says:

    Bahahahah. I fall midway between Liberal and Libertarian and I laughed out loud at all of them. Well done you! :)

  4. Fabulous post!!!!! I’m so glad I found it.

  5. Jim says:

    Awesome. I just found this while looking for something else. I’m more-or-less liberal, but not nearly as much as I used to be, and your description of liberals pretty much just nailed it and why I go out of my mind watching the antics of my extreme leftist friends, as well as why I pretty much have disassociated myself with them and mostly generally call myself a moderate, or a slightly-left of moderate. And this is excellent: “will publicly tear out the intestines of those closest to them at the most politically inopportune times” — that is SO TRUE. I will never forget the time I had one of my extreme leftist friends (former friend, actually) over for dinner. My wife and I went out of our way to make a vegetarian dinner for him, even though we’re not vegetarians. And what did this asswipe do? He went to use the restroom and came out and started screaming at us and chewing us out for buying Gillette products, because he hadn’t yet heard that they stopped doing animal testing. Well I’m not so much a bleeding heart, so I kicked his ass out of my house.

  6. em says:

    This is excellent, and yes, has me thinking.

    I might fall mostly into the Conservative/Libertarian camp, but I can’t say I was shocked when Rush went deaf. Just greatly disappointed he didn’t fall mute as well.

    (so sorry I waited so long to dig around here – great stuff at every turn!)

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