In This Skin

{By Rachel at A Southern Fairytale}

Comfortable in this skin.

I’m not. And I am.

I’ve gained weight. Quite a bit.

I look at you and I don’t see your size, I see your sparkling eyes, your boisterous infectious laugh, your beautiful hair, your captivating smile, your heart, your elegant hands, your adorable sprinkling of freckles, the bounce in your step, your sassy-ness; all the things that make you who you are, the things that endear you to me, draw me to you.

And yet.

And. Yet.

All I see, when I look at me… the excess.

I am completely comfortable in my skin, when I forget. When the image in my head is the one that I believe.. the healthy girl who rocks the hour glass figure and is damn proud of it.

The girl with the strong legs, childbearing hips, curving waist, powerful shoulders.

But right now… that hour glass is more an hour and a half…maybe two.

I want to be healthier. for me.

Tonight I watched a video by a friend and her husband and it brought tears to my eyes. That’s love. That’s confidence. She inspires me. I adore her.

She is one of the most beautiful people that I’ve ever known. You can get lost in her eyes and her laughter and smile…magnetic.

I have a vision of who I am. I am a cute, spunky, curvy woman… I always have been.

And yet right now… I’m not happy with my outside.

and I struggle.

I NEVER speak of weight, size, numbers or scales.

Because I have a daughter. A beautiful, athletic girl who thinks that I am gorgeous and perfect and funny and smart and beautiful.

I do not want her to ever see me as anything but. I do not ever want her to see herself as anything but.

However, I know that I need to be healthier, for her. For my son. For my husband, for me.

I want to put clothes on again and enjoy them. I want to walk past a mirror and not have it stop me and slam me back to reality.

I am not a size 6, I am not a size 8… I am a woman with curves and slopes and I love them; I want to get back to the me who loves them again.

My husband looks at me and runs his hands over my curves and I feel sexy, as long as I don’t look myself.

I want to look at myself and love my body again.

I want to rock my hour glass again.

I do not wish to be thin, I am a food lover. I love to eat, I love to cook, I love to drink, I love to savor.

It is a struggle. It is my own.

I want my outsides to match my insides.

Confident. Laughing. Strong.

I will do this for me.

I will do this for my daughter.

This is my gauntlet to myself.

: : : : : : : : : : :

More often than not you’ll find Rachel writing about food; this departure is powerful and inspiring.
Subscribe to A Southern Fairytale in
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She tweets as @
SthrnFairytale and has a Facebook page.

Discovered by Story Editor, Robin Dance :: PENSIEVE :: @PensieveRobin

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30 Comments to “In This Skin”

  1. Honest and compelling. In This Skin by @sthrnfairytale. Featured by story editor @pensieverobin http://t.co/dYUEp1MB

  2. Robin Dance says:

    Honest and compelling. In This Skin by @sthrnfairytale. Featured by story editor @pensieverobin http://t.co/dYUEp1MB

  3. Shelly Kramer
    Twitter:
    says:

    Oh, so beautiful. And as the mother of four who is probably nearly old enough to be YOUR mother, I am so proud of you for this post. And yes, it is your gauntlet to yourself – today, but know that you, my dear, are beautiful JUST AS YOU ARE. Today. Yesterday. And tomorrow. For it is what is within you that makes you beautiful. And, for the record, the outside of you? Pretty freakin’ beautiful, too.

    I am so very honored to call you ‘friend.’

    And most importantly, let’s keep all of this from our daughters les we infect them with these thoughts we all have of ‘perfection’ and (mostly) how wrong we all are.

    Love you! Love this post!

    Shelly

  4. Julie
    Twitter:
    says:

    I have been struggling with this same thing. You “spoke” them well for both of us.

    Thank you.
    Julie recently posted..If you believe in something…

  5. Amanda
    Twitter:
    says:

    May just be the hardest thing to love ourselves and forgive ourselves with the same compassion that we would counsel anyone we loved to have.

    Your sparkle and your ability are always there.
    Amanda recently posted..Enter a New Frame

  6. so with you. so so with you. xo
    MommyNamedApril recently posted..Beachtastic.

  7. Kim says:

    This is how I felt at Blissdom last year. And BlogHer 2 years ago…and 3 years ago…and the list goes on.

    It is so hard to be comfortable in my own skin, so hard to accept myself the way I accept everyone else. I wish I could see myself the way everyone else does.

    You are not alone. We are all in this together. And guess what? I think you are beautiful and strong and amazing.
    Kim recently posted..Dear Elliott, I’m Sorry.

  8. Megan Jordan says:

    I'm surprised by the me that shows up in photos. She's not the me in my head. @sthrnfairytale captures it @StoryBleed: http://t.co/38fz3zMs

  9. Ok this made me cry, and I'm honored for the shout out! http://t.co/ZzX9DPTY

  10. Erin O'Bryan says:

    If only more people understood. Thank you for this beautiful article. http://t.co/NsdcabN7

  11. Ok this made me cry, and I'm honored for the shout out! http://t.co/ZzX9DPTY

  12. Just read this after seeing @barefootfoodie tweet, crying and laughing http://t.co/VjSoKt84 @sthrnfairytale

  13. In This Skin on @storybleed by @sthrnfairytale is one of those essays where you nod your head and see yourself. http://t.co/tT6EHY8v

  14. Stronger Me says:

    I love this post. It says it all. I can relate to every word. http://t.co/N4YTRYGh

  15. In This Skin on @storybleed by @sthrnfairytale is one of those essays where you nod your head and see yourself. http://t.co/tT6EHY8v

  16. CateOMalley says:

    beautifull said – In This Skin | Story Bleed Magazine http://t.co/tbel6f0d via @storybleed

  17. Elizabeth B says:

    @alice_clayton TY for introducing me to this blog…I laughed, cried, and then printed & stuck copies everywhere! http://t.co/ouFhpnyN

  18. Lisa Allen says:

    @sthrnfairytale New to your blog via @shellykramer. This post http://t.co/dSfUx5IR rocks my world. Amazing.

  19. Rachel, you brave, beautiful, amazing woman. Thank you for sharing this. Snaps, girlfriend. And big hugs :)
    Steph @ Lick My Spoon recently posted..High Five Fridays: Weekly Meal Plan (7.27.12), Olympics Edition!

  20. In This Skin | Story Bleed Magazine http://t.co/tRdtKPdc via @storybleed I'm so grateful to StoryBleed for featuring this today. <3

  21. Amanda Saba says:

    A beautiful post. In This Skin | Story Bleed Magazine http://t.co/CEpzw3iQ via @storybleed

  22. Honest and compelling. In This Skin by @sthrnfairytale. Featured by story editor @pensieverobin http://t.co/gjP0XDBy

  23. WOW. You said what we all think. How we all feel. What we all know to be true. Thank you. There is safety in numbers and knowing you are not alone is often like a balm, a salve, and it can be more powerful than any candy or junk food.
    thedoseofreality recently posted..WOULD I PAY MONEY FOR THIS: Labeling Your Children

  24. Very powerful, Rachel.
    Sadly the culture we live in celebrates thinness so, that as women we are always left to wonder if we are ever thin enough.

  25. So beautiful, my friend. And this? THIS: “sparkling eyes, your boisterous infectious laugh, your beautiful hair, your captivating smile, your heart, your elegant hands, your adorable sprinkling of freckles, the bounce in your step, your sassy-ness; ” Both your inner and outer beauty? It is all I have ever seen in you. You are a treasure…as a mother, as a friend, as a woman. xoxo
    Danielle Smith recently posted..A Delightful Family Resort: Azul Beach in Cancun

  26. Elisa
    Twitter:
    says:

    Rachel, what a beautiful post.

    You, my darling, are not only gorgeous, truly truly gorgeous, but smart and funny and talented. Girl, you are the whole package and there ain’t nothing not to absolutely love and adore there!

    But I do know that we are our own worst critics, and that is a tough hill to climb. I am working on that myself… and it’s always a work in progress. Much love, many hugs and a huge thank you for the inspiring read! mwah.
    Elisa recently posted..Loving it!

  27. Elisa
    Twitter:
    says:

    What an amazing post, Rachel. I can so relate to everything you have said! The first few paragraphs had me near tears, because like you, I look at my friends and people I meet and I see the person, not the body. I see what makes them special and wonderful. And yet I struggle to treat myself the same way, to look at myself in that same kind, loving way.

    For what is worth, I think that in addition to being fun and lovely, you are quite simply one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and I cannot imagine that any amount of weight could change that. You are simply gorgeous, inside and out, and totally unforgettable. Out of that long-gone BlogHer where I met you, you are without a doubt one of the most memorable people and one of those I most would like to be able to hang out with!

    Hugs!
    Elisa recently posted..The good-for-everything detox

  28. my blog
    Twitter:
    says:

    As an effect, instructors ask themselves, “What would I like to read at the closure of the assignment. t – but make an attempt to think about the reader and target audience when you.

  29. Web Site says:

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