To Sing My Song

{by Laurie White of Laurie Writes}

I drove the old roads yesterday, as I rarely do anymore unless someone died, as someone had. Turning instinctively on numbered streets — that party there, that unfortunate conversation on that street corner, I knew the sounds and the smells of the neighborhoods, felt the grit of the pavement and the echoes of so many voices up through the undercarriage of a car I never could have afforded then, can barely afford now.

Road miles, they carry us, somehow.

Monday was PG County and a dead body in a Hawaiian shirt, unbearable grief and chicken joints and that school I went to once. I forgot about D’s corner lot house, the irritation of the left turn. The shortcut through the 7-11 that I made still-instinctively after 20 years away made me want to smoke more than usual, an urge staved off mostly by the almost seven dollar price for a pack that made me smile big.

It’s all so much the same, it’s crazy how it stays that way when it seems like it ought not to, when you’ve been away and looking at so much other stuff. It’s just so much more expensive in all ways now.

 ****

you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes. – Bukowski

 ***

I am afraid, I admit it. I said some horrible things a few days ago, things that came from the worst place, the most unpleasant, the most fearful and preemptively abandoned. I felt as worthless and pointless as I have in months, as incapable of…I don’t know? Anything. It was bad, and it was at the same time, regardless of immediate outcome, immediately productive. Watersheds are few and far between in a life, really.

I had needed it for years and never saw it coming really. Idealism is a certain circle of hell, I’m here to tell.

Yesterday on the highway Ramble On came up in the mix and I cried and smiled, Page and Plant’s mix of hubris and brilliance (the darkest depths of Mordor. MORDOR.) what it needed to be as it always is bumped up against the simple, crucial declarative that defines the song. So much, so much, so much. I looked up at the roof upholstery at a red light, wiping my stupid weeping eyes, grateful for the familiarity, for the music, for the construct. I knew anew what I had to do, as I had when my feet hit the floor behind a heavy curtain in Tennessee two days prior.

Now’s the time. The time is now.

I will never be easy. I will always be difficult, sometimes the most in the times that I’m trying the hardest not to be. This is genetic, some of this, a design that I fight with every bit of good that I know I possess from competing genes and nurture and the sheer instruction of living kindly. I don’t count on the same companions for the long haul so much anymore, because it’s almost too much to ask in larger than small doses. I’m conversely coming upon the truth, however, that some greater consistency in this regard may be some of what I need for the longer run, and whether I think it’s really possible or not, I will keep wrecking the prospect of ever having it if I don’t fix me for real.

I have been broken for a long time, in a variety of small and large ways, despite my progress, despite longstanding white-knuckled efforts to the contrary. I have the softest, brightest comprehension now though that I don’t think I’m going to be for very long anymore, and regardless, I will no longer break you, not even a little if I can help it, no matter who you are. Unacceptable harsh words finished that story. The main answer — surrender, no knuckles — was long overdue. The time for so many (good and gentle, fun and interesting) things, the time for the real second half, is now.

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Story Editor: Heather King :: @HeatheroftheEO

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14 Comments to “To Sing My Song”

  1. To Sing My Song. Read THIS and sing her praises, @lauriewrites. Featured by editor @heatheroftheeo http://t.co/vBkLhe6a

  2. I had the honor of featuring @lauriewrites on @storybleed today. Don't miss it, yo. – http://t.co/KsaBqZS1

  3. Laurie White says:

    .@heatheroftheeo was kind enough to feature me on @storybleed today, if you'd like to drop by. I'd like that, for sure. http://t.co/AlYK0nwj

  4. @lauriewrites I loved your @storybleed today… http://t.co/prwgSrs0

  5. To Sing My Song. Read THIS and sing her praises, @lauriewrites. Featured by editor @heatheroftheeo http://t.co/4kcbCnUT

  6. Galit Breen says:

    To Sing My Song. Read THIS and sing her praises, @lauriewrites. Featured by editor @heatheroftheeo http://t.co/4kcbCnUT

  7. RT @storybleed: To Sing My Song. Read THIS and sing her praises, @lauriewrites. http://t.co/in6GDCaL

  8. Laurie White says:

    Oh hey, I was featured on Story Bleed today. Thanks, @storybleed. http://t.co/qEinUAkc

  9. Oh hey, I was featured on Story Bleed today. Thanks, @storybleed. http://t.co/qEinUAkc

  10. Elan Morgan says:

    Kudos :) RT @lauriewrites: Oh hey, I was featured on Story Bleed today. Thanks, @storybleed. http://t.co/8MMqeSwg

  11. Kim Daboo says:

    Oh hey, I was featured on Story Bleed today. Thanks, @storybleed. http://t.co/qEinUAkc

  12. Janine says:

    Awesome! RT @lauriewrites: Oh hey, I was featured on Story Bleed today. Thanks, @storybleed. http://t.co/oCMb9cUC

  13. Beautiful words!
    Angie Muresan recently posted..yikes!

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