breathe in, breathe out, then don’t

{by the grumbles of grumbles and grunts}

Our first dog, Nico, died on Saturday. Really I should say we put Nico down on Saturday because what I wouldn’t give to have just found him dead of his own accord in our house as opposed to the visceral reality of an assisted death for a very sick friend. It would have made things a lot easier. But, as with his whole life, nothing with Nico was ever easy.

Pets are a cruel joke that we play on ourselves. We go into the game knowing as a cold hard fact that we will outlive them. We’re destined to fall in love, share the ins and outs of daily life, and then watch as our friends die. Still we do it, and I don’t know why, maybe because we’re in denial. In the early years this harsh reality seems so far away, something we don’t have to deal with yet, an eventuality that we don’t want to think about until it’s right there staring us in the face. Not that it’s not worth it in many ways, but after a weekend like that I find myself wondering if it really is. Because Nico was sick for so long it’s hard for me to even remember happy Nico and I think that breaks my heart more than anything. I should be sadder. This should have been harder. But he was in so much pain and I just wanted it to go away, for him, for me.

I’ve never seen anything die, not like that, let alone something I loved so dearly. There’s a stillness to a body, to a corpse, when it ceases to take breath and the blood doesn’t flow, when the chest you’ve used as a pillow so many times isn’t moving, that I couldn’t take. It cut my heart in two and I had to go, I couldn’t bear to look at it any longer, the hollow shell that used to be my dog. Every second that ticked by past his last breath and my gasping tears was one more where I could feel it building in me, a primal response that I couldn’t control, RUN, THIS ISN’T RIGHT. GET AWAY. But I didn’t want to go and leave him there alone. But he wasn’t there anymore, it was just Jon and I and a jar of snickers labeled ‘human treats’ and a poorly placed ad for a pet photographer and it was time to leave.

We went to noodles and company afterwards, because what the hell else do you do? I don’t know. Eat noodles. Sit. Wonder if the crowd around you can smell death on your clothes and in your hair and the acrid chemical smell that lingers in your nose. Is it really there, following you? Or is it only lingering in your head because you can’t forget?

There’s a weird kind of curtain around losing a pet. Almost as if I don’t want to admit how sad I am because it was just a dog. But it was my dog who went everywhere with me and somehow that makes it very different. I haven’t even wanted to let the sad inside, Jon is just so heartbroken and one of us needs to hold it together, but I can feel it starting to creep in around the edges. I’m afraid if I let it in it will take me over and I’m just not ready for that yet. Jon held him; I couldn’t bear to be that close.

There’s just one dog to feed now, one leash. There is no big black mass sleeping on the couch making hair all over my floor. Yesterday I looked around with all confidence that I would see it there and was brought back to the reality that it’s never going to be there again. The house feels empty with just the four of us and strange like something’s missing. Because it is.

Tear down the house that I grew up in, I’ll never be the same again
Take everything that I used to own and burn it in a pile

Bulldoze the woods that I ran through, carry the pictures of me and you
I have no memory of who I once was
And I don’t remember your name

Park the old car that I love the best, inspections due and it won’t pass the test
It’s funny how I have to put it to rest
And how one day I will join it

I remember crying over you, and I don’t mean like a couple of tears and I’m blue
I’m talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon
But I’m a better man for having gone through it

:::::

the grumbles describes herself as someone’s crunchy, nerdy, foul-mouthed mother. I’ll add that she’s also a gifted writer and humorist. Spend some time with her, you won’t be sorry.

Read the original post at Grumbles and Grunts
Subscribe to Grumbles and Grunts via RSS or email
Follow The Grumbles on Twitter
Grumbles and Grunts on Facebook

Story Editor: Heather King ::: @HeatheroftheEO

Comment with Facebook

33 Comments to “breathe in, breathe out, then don’t”

  1. breathe in, breathe out, then don’t, you may need a tissue. Featuring @thegrumbles by editor @heatheroftheeo http://t.co/NcValat1

  2. breathe in, breathe out, then don’t http://t.co/M26vmt3h

  3. breathe in, breathe out, then don’t, you may need a tissue. Featuring @thegrumbles by editor @heatheroftheeo http://t.co/4n5UJIUH

  4. One of my favorites RT @storybleed: breathe in, breathe out, then don’t II you may need a tissue.Featuring @thegrumbles http://t.co/9Y9lXas3

  5. the grumbles says:

    hey, that's me! —-> RT: @storybleed breathe in, breathe out, then don’t, you may need a tissue. http://t.co/3wlNHAZS

  6. hey, that's me! —-> RT: @storybleed breathe in, breathe out, then don’t, you may need a tissue. http://t.co/3wlNHAZS

  7. Jonathan says:

    @Babe_Chilla yeah @thegrumbles is exceedingly fantastic. She also wrote this http://t.co/ztbavJdC

  8. Mehgann says:

    I used to work in an animal hospital. You did the right thing. Euthanasia is a much more peaceful and dignified end than letting them suffer until they die. I’ve seen both, and I know. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you did right by your furry friend.

  9. Sonia Fogal says:

    Grab your Kleenex, then read this. breathe in, breathe out, then don’t | Story Bleed Magazine http://t.co/pCPZBsaC via @storybleed

  10. Anna
    Twitter:
    says:

    Oh! I am so sorry. And it doesn’t make anything any better, but I do know how you feel. I’m still not over my Harper who died in June, and the kids look at me and say “let’s get another dog!.” But it’s so hard to tell them that Harper was THE dog. Hang in there!
    Anna recently posted..Body & Mind Cleanse Day 24 | Motivational

  11. Nita says:

    Nita Collins

    It is a hollow, un-real, agonizing feeling when you loose a beloved dog. My condolences.

  12. Audrea says:

    What’s up Dear, are you genuinely visiting this web site on a regular basis,
    if so then you will absolutely get pleasant knowledge.

  13. Ple?se let me kno? if you’re looking for a article writer for
    your blog. You h?ve som? really great posts and I think I would be a good asset.

    If you ever want to take some of th? load off, I’d really
    like to write some content for your blog ?n exchange for a link
    bac? to mine. Please blast me a? ?mail if interested.
    Kud?s!
    buy google sniper 2 recently posted..buy google sniper 2

  14. link says:

    To work from home, you must have a setup
    simila to the following: A quiet, comfortable office space.
    Are you also tired off the office gossip and office antics.
    If you are into surveys, just select the survey which youu would like to
    do, complete it and you will receive your money.
    link recently posted..link

  15. whoah this weblog is magnificent i really like reading your articles.
    Keep up the great work! You already know, many individuals
    are looking round for this information, you can help them greatly.

  16. Hi there, You’ve done a great job. I’ll definitely digg it andd personally suggest
    to my friends. I’m confident they will bbe benefited from this site.

  17. free money says:

    The key here is to offer users a chance to use the app a certain amount of times or for a certain amount of time which
    will hopefully get them hooked. Government grant programs have
    been alloted to aid people with housing, schooling, debt, and small businesses.
    There are certain scholarships that are specific to some areas, such as athletic excellence, outstanding performance
    in academics, or even ethnic or economic background.

    Check out my web page … free money
    free money recently posted..free money

  18. Alton says:

    Congrats on your recent blog. For me your excellent composing abilities must always be your priority.

    The video should be secondary.

  19. Hi, its fastidio?s paragrap? regardding media print, we
    all be familiar with media is a great source of i?formation.

  20. Hi, i think that i saw you visited my weblog thus i came to “return the
    favor”.I am attempting to find things to enhajce my website!I suppose its okk to
    use a few of your ideas!!

  21. An impressive share! I have just forwarded this
    onto a co-worker who was doing a little homework on this.
    And he actually bought me dinner simply because I found it
    for him… lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thank YOU
    for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending the time to talk about this topic here on your website.
    rosacea lysine recently posted..rosacea lysine

  22. This article will assist the internet visitors for
    creating new weblog or even a weblog from start to end.
    Affordable windows Cleveland recently posted..Affordable windows Cleveland

  23. It’s the best time to make a few plans for the longer term and
    it’s time to be happy. I have learn this publish and if I may just I want to recommend you few interesting issues or advice.
    Maybe you can write subsequent articles referring to this article.
    I wish to learn more things approximately it!
    how to fix your marriage recently posted..how to fix your marriage

  24. ojocigefy.Wordpress.Com says:

    The keypad has a cool blue backlight and is quite confortable to type on.
    Customer satisfaction is vital for the success of the business
    organization. The camera is also equipped with geo-tagging which, thanks to GPS
    will tag the location at which a photo was taken which can in turn
    be viewed on a map.

  25. Your goal is to generalize your abdominal breathing so it becomes a habit that can serve you most,
    if not all, of the time. {For this reason, it is generally recommended that elders with home care also have
    an emergency alert necklace or similar system in place for maximum safety|The modern variations of such chests are lined with felt to protect the
    tools|You can begin deepening their faith at this age and
    also pointing out their sin and need for a Savior|Later…Your best bet is to start with an SAE set, unless you expect to work on a European
    or Asian car|I find it very intriguing that
    there has been a tremendous increase of children being diagnosed with Autism in the past decade alone|These feature slide-out drawers, cabinets, and separate upper compartments|”
    rolling tool chest recently posted..rolling tool chest

  26. What’s up mates, its fantastic post about teachingand entirely defined, keep it up all the time.

  27. It will quick become 1 of your preferred books.
    I wager that you will shocked to discover out how efficient
    they can be. Who would be the main man and who would be the wingman?
    In fact, there are even greatest pickup traces.

  28. You can also visit some on-line shopping and auction websites and find a refurbished
    Iphone and bid for it there. No one will know for sure what is in store for the Apple iphone five until Apple confirms and
    announces the smartphone.

  29. Nicolas says:

    Appreciating the persistence you put into your website
    and detailed information you present. It’s awesome
    to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same unwanted rehashed information.

    Wonderful read! I’ve saved your site and I’m including your RSS feeds to
    my Google account.
    Nicolas recently posted..Nicolas

  30. If you gained’t break your telephone, you will be left with regular features.
    You will also discover how to use Adobe Flash CS5 and
    iWebKit. Come on, try hanging on to your busted, previous phone
    for a few months more.

  31. Thaddeus says:

    Traffic-Steven Soderbergh got plenty of deserved consideration for
    hisAmerican adaptationof a Danish miniseries, Traffik.
    Love the show and love the fashion ideas,
    but I need to know how to look fabulous on the Wal-Mart budget.

  32. Listed Here Is my listing of the very best Action Tvshows of them all (in no
    specific order). She took the project attributable to her mind to repair the problem that led
    her to experience remorse.

  33. Find these free Sesame Street coloring page below. Building your own soap is really a very rewarding task,
    and it is also great for the body. The one thing about Nancy
    is she likes anything expensive!

Leave a Comment

Twitter ID
(ID only. No links or "@" symbols)

CommentLuv badge